The year is 2023 and I am nearing the end of my 23rd year on this earth. Actually wait wouldn’t it be my 24th year and when I actually turn 24 the 24th year is completed? I think so, but either way I’m 23 right now and that will stop being the case soon. As such, it seems like now’s as good a time as any to discuss one of my favorite Jimmy Eat World songs, 23. While I heard this song before I turned 23 I only truly appreciated it recently. Is there something special about the song that makes it resonate particularly well with 23 year olds? Maybe, but that’s not exactly why I rediscovered it.

The story begins when I saw them live last September at the Metro in Chicago. I arrived a bit on the late side so I wasn’t exactly able to see them up close. However, I was able to stand next to a wall, which is the next best thing. Thank you surfaces that aren’t people, always giving me something to lean on. Can’t exactly do that with a stranger now can I? I mean, maybe I could with some folks but in most cases it would be awkward for everyone. Regardless, even if I wasn’t able to get a close look I think I got a pretty decent spot. I even got some decent photos.

Gotta love concert lighting. It transforms a weird composition far from the stage into something visually interesting. If I can’t capture Jim Adkins’ face I can at least be reminded of his cool blue silhouette. By the way it’s fucking wild that he’s 47, the dude has aged insanely well. He’s still rocking that depressed theatre kid look decades after he should’ve aged out of it. It’s even more stark when you see some of his other bandmates in person honestly. I assume they’re roughly the same age but you sure couldn’t tell by looking at them. Makes me wonder what Jim Adkin’s secret is. Is he a vampire? Is he stealing the life force of his band mates and/or fans? Is that why I’m balding? Nah finasteride will save me from that fate… hopefully. ANY WAYS

Jim Adkins repeatedly mentioned that he’d be seeing some of us at Riot Fest, which they would play at the next day as I recall. He made a point about the last song being one that they wouldn’t play over there. A special song just for us. That song was none other than 23. I did not remember this song even existed but when it started playing I was entranced. The guitar pulled me in and I was there until the end. What a way to end a set, hot damn it was good. And the live performance wasn’t overproduced like the album version so it was even better. I’m glad I went, I really am. Would I have ever rediscovered 23 otherwise? Hard to say, but it came at a time when it hit just right.

So what makes 23 so special? And if it such a good song why didn’t I dig it earlier? The first part will take some time to explain, but that second question’s simple enough to answer. 23 suffers from being on Futures, an album I didn’t like all that much the first time I checked it out. Pain’s a good song, and there were some other good ones there. But overall most of the album was kinda forgettable, and I didn’t feel much of an urge to purchase it as a result. 23 was just one of the better songs that disappeared into the memory hole when I decided to stop listening to that album. I like Futures more now these days, but there are definitely some weak tracks on there. However, it has 23 on it.

23 begins with what I can only describe as dramatic moving guitar noises. The kind of chords that feel like they’re meant to be on some TV show soundtrack. Yet, to my knowledge, this song has never been used on a one. They don’t know what they’re missing. Besides the soundtrack vibes, it is also worth noting that the instrumental intro goes on for a minute and a half. An intro that’s as long as some of those songs that get big on TikTok. Bet. While Jimmy Eat World has never been the most musically innovative band out there, they are willing to take risks some times. Is that intro the coolest guitar playing out there? Nope, but it sounds good, sticks in my head, and sets the tone quite well.

I felt for sure last night that once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I’m still driving away and I’m sorry every day
I won’t always love these selfish things
I won’t always live not stopping

The lyrics begin with lines about some sort of departure. He’s leaving someone behind that he shared a special bond with. Someone who is well acquainted with his low points. Someone he allowed himself to be vulnerable with and shared his “lonely dreams” with. Whatever those lonely dreams were, he’s leaving them with her. Actually it’s not explicitly said that it’s a woman, but it’s probably someone he was in a relationship with. And I’m pretty sure Jim Adkins is straight but I couldn’t say for sure.

Regardless, these lines resonate with me, perhaps because I left someone myself semi-recently. But for whatever reason that person I left wasn’t who came to mind when I heard this song. Instead I thought of someone I had not given much thought about in a long time. Someone who I had fallen for in high school but never made a serious move on. Instead I just gave up on my own and pinned my hopes on finding someone in college. I lived without stopping and let any connection I had with her evaporate. And yet there she was back in my mind. And so I started to engage in this song through the lens of her, even though they’re pretty different situations.

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

He makes a decision to leave not because he no longer cared, but because he felt it was needed. Perhaps he left them in pursuit of a dream, or perhaps there was some other reason it was no longer working out. Regardless of the reason it’s certainly not because his feelings faded completely. “No one else will have me like you do. No one else will have me, only you” are lines that attest to that. Is it actually true that they’re the only one who will have him? Maybe not, but that’s how it felt to him when he left.

When I think back to the one this song reminded me of I must admit those lines don’t quite match. We were never so close that I could say, “No one else will have me like you do” without sounding like a delusional creep. I also didn’t exactly make a conscious decision to end things with her, not that there was much to end in the first place. But if I think about it maybe I actually did decide to end things. I decided to not try on my own and ended our connection with passive inaction. In doing so I made damn sure there was nothing left.

You’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here, I’m now, I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Those first two lines of the chorus hit hard for me. Waiting for the right time has never done me much good. Admittedly, not waiting also has a patchy success rate. Still better than waiting for something that probably won’t ever arrive. The right time is not something so convenient that it will fall at your feet. Even if it somehow does fall at your feet, there’s still some effort required on your part to take advantage of that opportunity. Otherwise things will turn out just as Adkins say they will. Considering how much time I’ve spent sitting alone by now I believe him. I won’t wait for that right time any more, I’ll make it for myself… eventually. I’ve still got some work to do.

As for the rest of the chorus I think it’s essentially about living for the present. He’s not counting on the right time, he’s engaging with what he has in the present. He’s not sure how it will turn out and he doesn’t want to know. The end, whether it be the end of a connection or his whole ass life, is something that he’ll see through himself.

On that note, I think it’s time to talk a bit more about the lady this song reminded me of. I had not spoken to her since high school, and she rarely even crossed my mind these days. Yet suddenly she was all I could think about. Images of her and some of our interactions flew through my mind. It seems my feelings for her had not faded completely. They were just kept in cold storage. I could search the archives and uncover them once more. When I listened to 23 I did just that.

I am but a young adult, I have plenty to learn. However, it’s safe to say I know more now than I did back then. With more life experience comes a different perspective. And with that new perspective I was able to notice some things I hadn’t before. Namely that I probably had more of a chance with her than I thought back then. Had I been more forward with her in a non-creepy way it could have worked out. I even entertained the possibility that she may have liked me back at one point, namely around senior year. That point may have been wishful thinking, but it is not without plausible evidence.

By senior year I had become so accustomed to the idea that things wouldn’t work out that I stopped trying entirely. I let it stay an unrequited feeling that ebbed and flowed. Getting an actual answer would be too painful, best to just indulge in that amorphous longing and pin my hopes of romantic fulfillment on college (spoiler: that shit didn’t work out). What would have happened if I went for it? Perhaps I’d get rejected like I expected, but I’ll never know for sure.

While I couldn’t go back to fix high school me’s mistakes, there are still things I could do. I still had her number after all. So I tried contacting her again. Long story short, I thoroughly embarrassed myself and she’s been seeing someone for years. Life won’t play out like White Album 2 very often. 5 years was in fact, too late in this case. At least I got my answer. Now I can take my L and make sure I don’t repeat the same mistakes. Instead I’ll find innovative new ways to fumble that high school me could never imagine.

Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets

So Jim Adkins sings that he’ll be 23 when he’s already in his late 20s by this point. Misleading much????? S M H. I can relate to this line because I’m also 23 and it’s kinda wild. Fuck I’ll be 24 soon, and 6 years after that I’ll be in my fucking 30s. Welp.

How will I remember my time as a 23 year old? Will I look back on it fondly? How strongly will the low points stick with me? I guess I’ll see for myself soon enough.

I know this time has been significant for me. I broke an almost 8 year streak of being single and lost my virginity too. Now I don’t talk to the any more. I got kicked out of grad school and then reinstated. I started recalibrating my sense of direction in life. I started drawing again and I also started this blog. I got a bird. My heart was reignited and then swiftly flamed out. I started developing an idea that you guys will hear about in due time. Its been a pretty eventful year for better or worse. Here’s to whatever the rest of my life has in store.

Now let’s get back to the song I’m supposed to be talking about. I’ve made it clear how 23 is significant to me, but why is it important to this song? My best guess is that Jim Adkins saw that age as an important turning point as well. 23 is an age where you’re still young and doing dumbass shit, but you start to see a path away from that. You’ve got a greater amount of maturity but you aren’t quite there yet.

“I won’t always love what I’ll never have.” What does Jim Adkins mean by that? What can someone as successful as him be longing for that he cannot attain? A lofty dream? A particular person that won’t look his way? Regardless of what it is, he realizes that caring so much for something unattainable is a big ole’ waste of time. Even if you realize that it’s not easy to let go of that longing. However, it is possible.

“I won’t always live in my regrets.” Now this is a great line. But what does it mean? I think living in your regrets means more than simply having them. It probably means more than just thinking too much about them too. It’s letting those regrets define how you currently feel about your life and/or the sense that where you currently are is a product of those regrets. When you regret not just past mistakes but what your present has become. Perhaps he lived in his regrets for some time when he left that person. Such feelings don’t have to last forever.

When I reflect on my 23 there are plenty of regrets to go around. I try not to let them define me, but some of those regrets have strongly impacted where I am currently. I’d probably be happier if I picked a different grad school. I may have had a significantly better love life if I wasn’t so passive in high school. I can live with that though. Going to this grad school I kinda hate made me realize a lot about myself. I was a bit of a loser in high school, oh well. It doesn’t have to stay that way. The rest of my life awaits.

As for the rest of the song, I’ve already talked about all the unique lyrics. After that it’s just the chorus a couple more times and a decent guitar solo. OK I’ll be honest the guitar solo’s nothing special but at least they’re trying. It’s better than just remaking the melody in guitar form or giving up on the idea of guitar solos entirely. It’s here, it’s now, and it’s ready.

So that concludes my commentary on 23 and my own 23. It’s a good song, you should check it out if you haven’t. But if you haven’t listened to Jimmy Eat World at all then Clarity or Bleed American are better albums to start with. I’m still not that huge on Futures even though it has grown on me. You’ll find great songs on all of those albums though. Probably on their other albums too but I haven’t checked them out yet tbh.

As for me I’ll be going on ahead. Next time you readers will hear from me I’ll be 24 and writing about something else. Until next time, peace be with you all.